I know, this makes me sound like kind of a brat. Unsurprisingly, I have problems getting along with authority figures who are, in my view, power mongering dicks. As a result, politicking, an increasingly essential life skill as one furthers in their career, is something that I am decidedly terrible at.
Wandering the corridors of Seoul National University Hospital in search of my assigned preceptor, I was already dreading the forthcoming conversation regarding my evaluation. My performance has been, in no uncertain terms, lackluster. At least in the states, this is to be expected from a fourth year medical student already matched into a residency position; not an excuse, just an explanation. As I turned the corner to the neurology department, I crossed paths with one of the older docs, presumably also a neurologist. Perhaps for a millisecond, the thought crossed my mind that I should stop and bow, offer a polite 인사 in a higher-than-I-would-normally-use tone of voice, and otherwise ingratiate myself to this attending who I was not familiar with in the least - except that he was clearly much older.
But the opportunity came and went in an instant - it's simply not a reflexive behavior I am accustomed to, and those extra few seconds I needed to think about it proved too long.
야. 넌 누구야? (Hey! Who the F are you?)
Shit. This is the problem with knowing just enough Korean to know you are being scolded, but not enough to finesse yourself out of the situation - you're like a deer caught in high-beams.
I explained that I was a visiting student from Columbia as best I could in broken Korean. Student? You're a student?? When you are working in this hospital, you better make sure to bow to you elders. Next time, you better 인사.
Boom. Slap in the face.
I gather this sort of response to perceived elder-dissing is not uncommon. I have, on several occasions and despite my clearly shortened white coat, have been on the receiving end of polite 인사 from other students unfamiliar with my position as an exchange student. Now I understand - if there is ever a question, better to be safe than sorry.
I read somewhere that one of the tenets of Confucianism is piety. The reciprocal side of that piety is benevolence. I think this is where things fall apart for me. All too often, I find that benevolence is actually just politely packaged condescension. I see it in how the attendings critique the residents, the way they embarrass them, prey upon their insecurities. Maybe it serves their education - emotionally charged teaching points often stick better in your memory. In my opinion, it serves the attendings ego.
And ultimately that's the root problem I have functioning in hierarchical organizations - I hate the idea of serving someones ego - buttressing in some way their own sense of self in a (usually) fallacious show of obsequiousness. I feel phony, how is that not transparent? If it is transparent, how does that not matter? Of course, this position is easily maintained as I am just now stepping onto the first rung of the ladder of medical hierarchy. Maybe in 20 years it'll be me passing a medical student in the hospital corridor, taking the time to verbally bitch slap them into place - those uppity, ungrateful little shits. If this post is any indication, I'm clearly due for a dose of karmic disrespect. Perhaps deservedly; reading over this post, I really do come off as a brat.
I should clarify that this in no way applies to elders in my own family - that I do understand, fundamentally.
